Senior Jokes VI
(All contributions are greatly appreciated...as you can see, most of my material comes to me from friends like you)
These jokes will be appreciated by the over 40 folks!
Some of these may have been around previously but still fun to read again.
Don't know who Benedict is, but I like his thinking.
1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 more to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes ... Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... And cheese... FINE, it was a pizza... I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash; 2. Grill some Meat.
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag but… I finished all of my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it... when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither!
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70 … I learn something new every day … and forget 5 other things I used to know.
12. A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Benedict
(THANKS ART B.)
"Will I Live To 80?"
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80."
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80."
An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. "So, he's in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him." That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear." "Exactly."
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/medicaljokes/80yearoldjoke.html
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/medicaljokes/80yearoldjoke.html
Circle of Life
As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well.
Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65.
You may not realize it now, but everything will shift.
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
Share this hilarious truth about life with others.
(THANKS ART B.)
Share this hilarious truth about life with others.
(THANKS ART B.)
The Famous Man
On day a famous man went to a nursing home to see all of his friends again and see how there were doing. When he got there EVERYBODY greeted him [because, of course, everybody knows him]. One man he noticed didn't come up to him or say anything to him, so later he walked up to the man and asked him "Do you know who I am?" and the old man replied "No, but you can go to the front desk and they'll tell you."
On day a famous man went to a nursing home to see all of his friends again and see how there were doing. When he got there EVERYBODY greeted him [because, of course, everybody knows him]. One man he noticed didn't come up to him or say anything to him, so later he walked up to the man and asked him "Do you know who I am?" and the old man replied "No, but you can go to the front desk and they'll tell you."
Four times in the rocking chair
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Thanks Art B.
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Thanks Art B.
A GIFT CERTIFICATE
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Breakfast Order for All you French Purists
An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit,
came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom,
then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again
"What would you like, sir?" Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"a quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over,
she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!"
and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it’s pronounced 'quiche'.
came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom,
then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again
"What would you like, sir?" Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"a quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over,
she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!"
and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it’s pronounced 'quiche'.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Garage Door.
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His female assistant walked up to him and said, This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't, but I did see an old short bed truck with two flat tires..
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His female assistant walked up to him and said, This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't, but I did see an old short bed truck with two flat tires..