Animal Jokes
Dead Penguins - I never knew this! (From Art B. ....Thanks once again)
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go? Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely
ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go? Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely
ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.
←
→
Natural Bull Enhancement
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
Read more: http://www.rd.com/jokes/funny/aging-well/natural-bull-enhancement/#c_tag=aging-well#ixzz3QOoxDIGk
→
Natural Bull Enhancement
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
Read more: http://www.rd.com/jokes/funny/aging-well/natural-bull-enhancement/#c_tag=aging-well#ixzz3QOoxDIGk
Wisconsin Milk Cows Thank you Art B.
The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $2,000. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."
HOW TO WASH THE CAT
- Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.....
- Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may have to stand on the lid.
- At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.
- Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
- Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
- The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
- Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely,
The Dog
The Dog
CHURCH SQUIRRELS
There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting
to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration
they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there
and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration
they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there
and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In The Baptist Church
the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery
and drown the squirrels in it.
The squirrels escaped somehow and
there were twice as many there the next week.
the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery
and drown the squirrels in it.
The squirrels escaped somehow and
there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and
decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and
set them free a few miles outside of town.
Three days later, the squirrels were back.
decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and
set them free a few miles outside of town.
Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best
and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and
registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas,
Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and
registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas,
Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,
but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him,
called circumcision and
they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him,
called circumcision and
they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
The Stock Show
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one.”
The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
Expected to fully recover in about three weeks!
FAIR USE NOTICE: These video's may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for educational purposes only. This constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 106A-117 of the U.S. Copyright Law.